I’d heard tales of “Crunkcore”–a fusion of Crunk Rap and Screamo that supposedly sounded like Satanic auto-tuned dwarves making love atop a titanium porcupine coated in poison oak… but not even that could have prepared me for…

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great hesitation I present to you:

brokeNCYDE

Lyrics.

IS THIS REAL LIFE?

If you ever wanted to know what  (T-Pain + Lil Jon) (Alexisonfire + Bullet For My Valentine) sounded like… then you really shouldn’t be reading this blog. Go. Leave.

This song was so painful I listened to The Used afterward and it was an IMPROVEMENT.

Gone are the days of mainstream rappers conveying socially conscious yarns such as N.W.A.‘s recanting of a neighborhood broken by a lack of government welfare support or Public Enemy‘s rightful send-up of America’s racially biased prison system. And while there still exists the odd exception (Flobots, Saul Williams), the general consensus is that the popular Rap of today is about little else than illicit drugs, illicit sex, illicit guns or an extremely illicit combination of the three. But this is a moot point; everyone already knows this.

Women have a glass ceiling in the workforce, America will never fully embrace Obama and modern rap culture primarily promotes and thrives on an environment where homophobia, misogyny and racism are acceptable practices. So instead of a pseudo-intellectual, hotly-contested debate on the semiotics of Hip-Hop’s worth and effects on population strata… let’s instead turn our attention to the lighter side of the hippie to the hip hip hop with…

It’s a Rap! The best of the worst.

Sweden has given us many great things. Ikea furniture. Ikea kitchens. Ikea Sofas. Even Ikea beds.

But along with the avant-garde household accouterments, they’ve also given quite an impressive array of rappers. Among the legions of emcees from The Whitest Country In The World, one name stood out: Mawuli Kulego AKA…

Lazee

Yep. That’s right. There’s a massively popular African-Swedish Rapper who’s chosen the nomenclature “Lazee” under which to publish records. I’m not entirely sure if he’s aware of American stereotypes of African Americans (given his depressing knowledge of what we ‘Red, White and Blue’rs’ find ‘fantabolous,’ I’d wager no), but regardless, for as many criticisms that could be rightly leveled against his nauseating gangsta’ swagger and hilariously outdated cultural references… he is called “Lazee.” I mean. What exactly did you expect?

The following is his break-out hit, totaling over 1 million views on Youtube (with about 95% of them originating from Sweden–that’s nearly 1/9 of the population).

And the lyrics (for those not hypnotized by the mind-blowing CGI…)

Top 5 Moments:

5.) Our blinged-out Laze-man proudly proclaims that he’s driving around “Pumpin’ Limp Bizkit.” Since there’s nobody more ballin’ than a 37 year-old Fred Durst in 2008.

4.) He uses the word ‘fantabolous’ as a synonym for ‘cool.’

3.) He rhymes the above with “I wish a M-F took me for a fool.” Is he implying that if people took him “for a fool” he would be more cool? That is either the most meta thing I have ever seen… or he’s just desperately looking for something to rhyme with ‘cool.’

2.) “I’m far from wack! I can do Rap!” No doubt. Also, thanks for telling us you can rap. We had our doubts before.

1.) His name is LAZEE.

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Next up is fellow countryman…

J-Son

One guess at what his first name is. Get ready for one of the douchiest, most self-promoting song’s ever recorded. If you think American rappers are narcissistic… hooooo boy.

Lyrics, since I doubt you’ll be able to handle his prettiness for long.

Top 5 Moments:

5.) Our pretty boy indicates that “I’m so strong and Lazee you ain’t this amazing.” So because he’s strong, he’s therefore more “amazing” than fellow rapper Lazee? I’m pretty sure that’s a logical fallacy. Not to mention that the two rappers later collaborated on a song together. I wonder if they had an arm-wrestling match to find out who was more “amazing?”

4.) He rhymes “pretty” with “shitty.” Actually… that one makes sense.

3.) “It’s like any day, baby, they wait and they and wanna date me” Awe, how non-exploitative! They just want to date him!

“She said I taste just like chocolate, wanna have her a lick” Whoops…

2.) When he yells “I’m a pretty boy” a group of men shout back “AYYYY” in response every. single. time. I guess the women don’t agree? Or…

1.) “I’m snatchin your woman! I didn’t mean to, it’s the way that I was born in the jungle”

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And lastly (but most definitely not leastly…)

The Paradiso Girls

While both Lazee and J-Son can be given minor pardons for their origin in culturally isolated Sweden, The Paradiso Girls, a semi-European “ripoff” of The Pussycat Dolls from American producer Jimmy Iovine have no such bargaining chip.

C’mon everyone! “Let’s get real drunk and throwin’ up tonight” on some inelegantly marketed Patron© Tequila by a bunch of auto-tuned supermodels, a crunk rapper who seems incapable of speaking clearly (or remaining sober, for that matter) and drum loops that sound like rejected samples from Tarzan. And all of this set to a hip urban tune written by a bunch of white yuppy songwriters! PUT YOUR DRINKS UP!!!

Oh, and use your Best Buy© Rewards Card® (when you purchase… Patron? I’m not seeing the connection either.)

Lyrics for the dirty cut, which are exactly the same as this version except they exchange “messed” and “tore” for “fucked.” Classy.

Top 5 Moments:

…

It’s pretty much pointless to single out the best moments when the entire song is flawless. Still, I’d say Lil’ Jon’s assertion that he’s “Already drunk” but he “ain’t stoppin’ though” at 2:27 is quite possibly the single greatest moment in music history. Anyone care to contest this?

And there you have it. Flavor Flav would be turning in his grave. Were he dead.